| better.than.me |
[Apr. 20th, 2007|01:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Better Than Me - Hinder | ] |
My shitty blog. this is the best insight to how im feeling at the present moment. that being 9:30pm. people dont realise i suffer from clinical depression so the chemicals in my brain are unbalanced, therefore resulting in me to take some things said very hurtful when im in a certain state of mind. so this is what i've written, its about a girl who's been emotionally scarred.
Tears cascade over already tear-stained cheeks, falling over chapped lips, crashing into the wet pillow. She's crying again, crying because people speak before thinking. They say things that might seem minor to them but cut her to shreds. Slice her like the razor she uses to rid the pain. The thin lines that mark her wrists, her ankles, parts of flesh people cannot see. She's not stupid, she's realistic, she wants to show people how much they affect her. She writes.
I'm trying, trying so hard to be what you want me to be, but all i am is a FAILURE
Failure is permenantly ettched into her brain. Thats all she'll ever think of herself, that she can be no better than nothing. She's less than nothing in her own mind, just a ghost. People see through her, as if she wasn't there.
I wish I was a ghost
She writes, fills in thoughts and emotions that people havent seen her shed. A mask hides who she is, who she wants to be. Her raven locks tied up into a messy ponytail, her hazel eyes filled with tears. Thats all people see her as, a normal person with no problems and its those people that dont realise she's dying. Words shatter her psyche, damage her already fragile mind, her opinion of herself disappears. "You arent pretty, you're emo, gothic. Go cry, go cut your wrists, move out, i dont want you around. you're a loser." They taunt. The sad realisation is they dont know, they haven't even got a hint of a clue. You might see shes acting alright, normal, happy. But every smile is a fake, every "i'm alright" whispered is a scream for help. A scream telling you she's not alright, she's no where close to being alright.
This is how i disappear.
She just wants to be left alone, to deal with the rest of her miserable life alone. She doesnt want people to know she's a failure, a mess, completely hollow because of their words. They think she's alright, they trust her to be alone. But by being alone she does damage, her psyche dies, her depression grows. It takes over, imbalancing her. She wants to hold a knife to her throat and disappear, leave them with nothing, leave them with shattered emotions, feeling guilty for the way they treated her, for the way the spoke, for the way they never loved her. Because they're all better, they all think they're better, but they are nothing, they are ghosts, see through, transparent.
Cause you're so much better than me
Decorated.Emergency.
xo |
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| Would you lie with me and just forget the world? |
[Jan. 23rd, 2007|08:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | solitary room. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Chasing Cars - Snow Patol | ] |
You see something in a movie or t.v show and it makes you cry. Its emotional, its touching but most of all it makes you think.
Someone loves someone, they die. It makes you think that you might never reach that point in life. It makes you think that there's no one in this world that would care for you, love you the way the characters love each other. Alright, i know its just fiction but still, it got me thinking.
What if there is no one in this world that is going to love me?
What if there is no one in this world willing to be with me?
What if i die before experiencing any of this.
Now, its a whole bunch of "what if's" but seriously. You'd think that if there was someone in this world that does like me or want to be with me, they would have already turned up. Unless you count the one that asked me out then lied out of his ass to get out of it.
I know i sound like a headcase but seriously, its getting to be too much for me.
both my sisters and my mother have had numerous boyfriends and i cant even have one. let alone get one. I feel as if i wont ever get that chance, i feel like i'll die before anyone ever loves me.
*shrugs*
maybe its just me and my crazy ranting,
maybe i'm making sense to someone,
maybe someone will like me,
maybe i'll die alone
Who knows, its just a lot of "what if's", "maybe's" and my craziness.
Decorated.Emergency
xo
x Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world? x |
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| *screams* |
[Jan. 5th, 2007|11:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the icepole. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ...and we all have a hell - from first to last | ] |
I AM A LOSER!!!!!!!!!
I mean seriously they do. Grr I'm just depressed and angry at the same time. Which for me is a bad combo. But Blah.
So I've been thinking, that I am not going to make an effort with people that dont put the effort in for me. I'm sick of people always being in couples and such or having someone there for them. Like new years, i was the only one alone. Everyone had someone, whether they were together or they met then.
Therefore i have come to the conclusion that there much be something wrong with me. There is also the issue that i have had three major crushes, we'll call them #1, #2 and #3 [original i know] but yes.
#1 - i told him, he asked me out. Bullshitted out of his arse to get out of it, said he was gay and then has a girlfriend.
#2 - i told him, he didnt want a relationship at the moment and now had a girlfriend.
#3 - well, he doesnt know. and i dont intend on telling him. haha why? because like #1 and #2 he will end up having a girlfriend withing two months, just like the other two.
This has been making me depressed. why? cause if two guys turned me down and got girlfriends within 2 months then there has to be something wrong with me.
Okay, i know im not pretty, or skinny but i am me and i am awesome. well i think i am, my friends think i am.
I am sick of being "in love and alone" i just want someone that i like to be interested in me and i want them to tell me.
Whatever. my rant for today, no one reads this anyway
Decorated.Emergency
xo |
|
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| do you know what its like to feel ugly all the time? |
[Jan. 2nd, 2007|10:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Note To Self - From First To Last | ] |
Right so i havent upsdated here in like over a month.
Suppose i havent had time and ive been feeling like shit.
I feel that people are getting annoyed with me or get over me really quickly, it hurts. I think im nice person.
But at the moment im feeling like the title says, ugly all the time.
I'm really sick of it.
But blah, not like anyone reads this.
Decorated.Emergency
xo
"Note to self
I miss you terribly
This is what we call a tragedy" |
|
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| lather the blood on your hands, romeo |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|12:04 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | boredom central | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Teenagers - My Chemical Romance | ] |
BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You are now approaching Boredom Central."
righhhhtttt.
Alright, ive never been so bored in my life
Oh wait. yeah i might have at one time or another.
Seriously what is with people, they talk to you for five seconds and then POOF!! thats where the conversation ends. Its boring and im threateneing to go to sleep and its like way early. Mind you i do have to be up at 6am which sucks but hey, exam week reigns.
I cant wait til Friday, its my bday =] and im going BLV gig. hehe is gonna be awesome.
Then sat. drumroll please. We are going to Barbukka. =] it is going to be hell fun cause im going to wear my pretty contacts, they glow. hehehe. and i get my bass on sat. and they are going to try and get me drunk. NOT going to happen. Its gonna be awesome though.
Alright well nothing much else to say.
Decorated.Emergency
xo
"Their gonna clean up looks
with all the lies in the books" |
|
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| sweet sacrifice |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|04:48 pm] |
Why does my mother feel the need to put me down and make me upset every single day? [then she wonders why im fucking depressed half the time.]
Is it because she is so unhappy with her own life?
Is it just because im not exactly the same as my two slutty fuckwit sisters?
Is it because im not like every other girl out there?
God forbid i should finally be happy with who I am and what I want to do with my life.
Why cant someone just be happy for me for once.
I havent felt like this for ages and i didnt want to start now, not this close to my birthday because i'll be depressed then.
=[
I swear sometimes i wish i was in a different family, at least then i might be accepted for who i am.
Decorated.Emergency
xo
P.s - no lyrics today. too upset. |
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| swallowed up in the sounds of my screaming. |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|07:09 pm] |
Alright im bored and lonely !
I hate feeling like this, it makes me depressed. and i really cant afford to be depressed at the moment, not with exams and my birthday coming up =[
It sucks.
My list
x I need to save for a good bass amp =[ something which is far away.
x I need a new job
x I need a life
x I need my bass
x I dont know what i need.
But yes, i have plans for my bday, we're gonna go to barbukka and watch midseason for my bday which should be awesome cause they are awesome. =] hehe.
Then possibly Kareoke. dont know. depends how i feel.
Might go to the green room. might do alot of things. ohh.
*sighs*
Ohh i got the new MCR album its awesome like always.
Im getting restless need to do something productive.
eh
Decorated.Emergency
xo
"she never was and never will be
you dont know how you betrayed me" |
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| questions of life |
[Oct. 28th, 2006|12:55 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Alright im lonely, its official. I'm so over seeing couples, I'm so over my sister and he bf. Seriously, I dont want to spend my Saturday nights listening to them too talk or fight or to walk into the lounge and see them cuddled on the sofa. So Over It! I want to [for once] feel like someone wants me, to feel loved, to feel like i matter. At the moment i dont feel anything really, which sucks.
Why do we have hearts if they are meant to be broken? Why do we feel lonely even when there are hundreds of people around? Why do we feel invisible when we are in a crowd?
So many questions, yet no answers, no one can really answer them because the answer will be different for each person feeling that way.
I have the worst stomach ache on the planet and i feel like shit. I can barely breathe and my nose is blocked, if its not blocked its runny. Chest infections suck. And i think my appendix is hurting again, im not sure if its that again or if it is my tummy ache =S
Oh, i hate picking my sister up from her stupid teen parties because A) shes a headache and B) she stinks of alcohol and she smells my car out. I hate it, cause it makes me nautious.
And whats with the whole daylight savings thing, it just makes me confused =S so now im waiting til 2am so i can turn the clocks forward. Stupid rules.
What is with myspace? You msg people and they dont msg back >=( or if they do msg back, its when you are offline. Not much help to someone now are you, not when you are bored out of your brains and in need for intellectual conversation.
Ooooooo and might be going out on the 25th of nov for my bday :) people better be avaliable. :P
BLAH!!!
Decorated.Emergency
xo
"It's just that time
when i miss you" |
|
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| evil basses && i think the woman approves. |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|08:55 pm] |
Yes, as my title says, my bass is EVIL. It wont do what i want it to do. A.K.A i suck at bass. So not cool, im getting frustrated. But..... its only a month until i get my pretty little Ashton =] cannot wait cause im gonna play it non stop and then Justin, Cass, Matt and i can finally make some pretty tunes =] haha when we actually have time =p
Anyways i was having a conversation with my mum and my sisters, this occurs once in a blue moon, and i was talking about 10 year reunions. Why i dont know, may have been something on Maury on Arena that my sister was watching. *shurgs* Moving on, i said to mum "I hope we become famous cause in 10 years i want to go and shove my rock starness in their face for bullying me all those years. And i want the guys to feel like complete assholes and i want the guys to be all like 'oh wanna go out with me' just so i can turn them down for making fun of me" And then mum turns around and goes "I hope you do too and you can support me" hahahaha WHOO Mama finally approves of her little girl playing bass =D about time. XD
Oh, i need to come up with a name for my bass. it is red. any suggestions???
Moving onto a slightly sadder note: i am so sick of seeing couples out and about. Makes me feel so lonely =[ Even when you're out with friends and you see the obvious couples or your friends are txting their bf's. Its upsetting cause it gets you thinking maybe that will never happen to me. Maybe I'll never be with anyone. Maybe there is someone out there that will like me for me, that wont worry about looks, that will just want me because im awesome as i am. God, who knows. this is disappointing that people cant look beyond the flesh. Beauty is only skin deep people. Looks dont last forever.
Alright i am sad again =[ oh well it happens =] ill be happy by tomorrow.
Decorated.Emergency
xo
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life" |
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